Before the Groom
The Marriage Manual
Written by the people who have had to use it
Unit: Jake. Field tested. Warranty void.
Known defects
- Says “allegedly” after every true story.
- Starts every hike with “it’s a short one”.
- Brings the wrong bait. Every time.
Scheduled maintenance
- Best at showing up with soup.
- Reheats the same coffee four times and drinks none of it.
- “Study group” at our house was him eating our food and asking what chapter we were on.
Warnings
- Do not schedule anything before his coffee. We tried. Q3 2021.
- If something makes a noise, he will take it apart. Hide the toaster.
Emergency procedures
- If he says “short hike,” pack dinner.
- When he goes quiet he is hungry, not sad.
Do not attempt before coffee